A million miles a minute

It would seem since getting rid of the birth control my mood has improved. However, I’m still dealing with the post partum stuff I did before. I want seclusion. I want perfection. I want calm. Unfortunately what it’s keeping me from all that and cutting myself some slack is my brain seriously feeling like every thought is going a million miles a minute.

I had a counselor in the last place we were stationed, in Monterey, CA, the whole over 2 years we lived there. She actually theorized that I’m OCD. I always have joked that I have tendencies like with how I have to always hit the lock button on my car remote two times to be sure it’s locked. But I’ve never been a true “Monk”in my actions (if you have never seen that show, do it). So I kinda fluffed off the idea. With the way I’ve been functioning lately, though, I decided to look up what symptoms are listed on the internet. It listed symptoms for OCD thoughts and OCD behavior. It also mentioned that one who has it can have either/or thoughts/behavior. I pretty much matched all the thoughts symptoms.

I see a new counselor next week after already trying two others out here. I’m hoping she’ll be the perfect fit and will challenge me. I’m hoping she’ll offer some insight on the OCD as well. I’m wondering if I should even see a psychiatrist to add some meds. I don’t wanna do that while I’m still breast feeding though.

I’m really just dying for some answers to what is truly wrong with this body and mind of mine. I don’t want to feel so fatigue anymore, and I also don’t want to feel like my brain is spinning out of control anymore. I need a sense of smoothness in my thoughts.

For example, I have so many things I want to organize. We’re talking from organizing my pantry to just organizing my marriage. But now that I have two kids, esp a baby right now, I don’t have enough time in the day to get everything done that I want to as well as stay sane. So then I try to figure out where to start. What’s priority. But holy crap, it’s all priority to me! It’s all what I feel I need to be at peace. But I can’t get peace because I can’t make everything in my life perfect. It’s like a whole cycle or something. I cannot prioritize for the life of me. So what happens? I end up sitting on the couch all day and accomplishing nothing.

But it’s not really nothing. It just feels like nothing. I have to remind myself, though, that I did what was most important- I took care of my kids. I loved on my kids and played with them. I know that’s what I need to treasure right now while it lasts. So everything else doesn’t matter, right?

Maybe not my house. But the next part is the relationship with my husband. We don’t have as much time to spend together anymore. It’s amazing how much more time we had with one kid as opposed to two. But I don’t feel like I have enough time to talk about what needs to be discussed with him. Our finances, our relationship, our kids, etc. So I want to organize that. But it goes nowhere because I don’t know where to start to give it a perfect balance.

My brain really goes through some crazy process I tell ya. In fact, I’m all brained out now and need to hit the hay.

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