I’m a prideful little chicken

I’m seeing the doctor tomorrow. Specifically my OB. Started with him since I’ve seen him so much. I’m dreading this appt, though. I felt embarrassed about calling today. And now I feel embarrassed going in. I feel like a hypochondriac.

The other day I had another extremely embarrassing moment. I went to the grocery store to buy $40 worth of groceries. No big amount, right? Well, I got to the checkout and all my cards were getting declined. I have WIC, and only one thing was covered because I had used the rest. I get sent to the customer service area to return everything that wasn’t covered by WIC. I became one of those people that claims there is money in my account. Which there was, I just had to transfer it. I was mortified. I’m in the check out lane with my toddler in the cart and my 2 month old in a carrier, and I can’t pay for my groceries. I started crying after I had loaded my savings account paid groceries in the car and then myself. I was sobbing when I got home.

No, I’m not looking for pity. I’m trying to prove a point. I have too much pride. I care too much what other people are going to think of me. That’s kinda why I started blogging. I didn’t wanna be afraid to speak about who I am anymore. I have depression. I have anxiety. I’m broke. I might have fibromyalgia. So what? Everybody has problems. Just not everyone talks about them. Lots of people are broke. Lots of people are even worse off than we are. I need to stop being afraid to tell people that I can’t afford something. Because, duh, I can’t! I need to stop being afraid of sounding like a hypochondriac. I know my body. I know how I feel. Better safe than sorry, right? I take so much personally and let everything everyone says to me go to my heart. Or maybe my head. I don’t know. Point is, I am who I am, and that’s who I’m meant to be. Don’t like it? Don’t like my faults and shortcomings? Tough. That goes for myself, too. I am my own worst enemy. Outside of myself, other than the devil, I really can’t think of anyone that I would consider an enemy.

Sure, there are people who get on my nerves. I’ve talked about people behind their backs. I’ve blown up at people. That’s not stuff I’m proud of, though. It’s just mistakes I’ve made. Just like everyone else. We all screw up. And we are all who we were meant to be. Some of us might not click, and that’s ok. If every person in this world were meant to be friends, that would be one heck of a news feed to keep up with, ya know? lol I’m getting pretty deep and beyond my original topic now. But that’s ok, right?

Anyways, I’m really hoping I get over myself soon. It’s getting in the way. Yeah. I’m getting in the way of my own life. I’ve kinda “forgotten” my faith. I’ve been so out of touch with God that I’ve forgotten that I am who He made me to be. All that matters is what I think of myself. If I hate myself, then that’s a way of putting God down. Why? Because He had me as an idea before I was ever even conceived. I need to love God, and I also need to love myself. If I don’t love either, then I can’t love properly. My children and my husband need my love. As much as I need theirs. It’s a whole cycle, really.

Well, I started a new class today and want to get some more work done before I go to bed. Here’s to a better day tomorrow. ❤

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