It’s been a rough one

Today I hit another big slump. I woke up feeling so exhausted and in pain. It caused me to go into a state of deep depression, too. It took every ounce of energy just to take care of the kids. Remy does happen to be going through a growth spurt right now as he’s extra needy and cluster feeding. That is probably contributing a lot. Not to blame my sweet little chub.

Today, though, I felt like a failure. I felt like I didn’t love anyone enough today, esp Elli. I feel like I’m failing my friends too.

I’ve been so freaking hard on myself. More than I think I ever have been in my life. I’m burdening myself and forgetting to lay them on God. But then I even feel selfish doing that. Lol I can’t win with myself. I’m still my own worst enemy.

My new counselor I met with the other day was fortunately the best first impression I’ve had of a counselor in a long time. So hopefully we have a good road ahead there.

I’m not gonna lie. I do feel another potential issue is…breast feeding. I’m hesitant to say anything. But I need to release. Open up. It’s been the biggest battle in my mind. Don’t get me wrong. It. Breaks. My. Heart. I’m a strong advocate for breast feeding. But I get such screwed up hormones. I literally get drained. I was miserable with Elli, too. Just differently. I love the bonding. I love that I can so quickly comfort my baby. But…My health is in jeopardy. I feel like I’ve tried everything. And in this case, it’s possible my need to be a good mom in good health might outweigh any benefits of breast feeding. It has been SUCH a hard thought to deal with. Especially since we’ve had trouble getting him to take a bottle. I know it takes patience and persistence. But until he seems 100 percent comfortable with a bottle and even formula, I won’t be comfortable switching. Even then it will be hard. I just can’t bring myself to wean at all. But am I doing any favors? It’s something that I have to decide on my own. I think right now I’ll just see what happens with my test results. I do know I don’t want you be introducing any new meds while I’m breastfeeding, esp antidepressants. Sigh. I just don’t know.

Well, time for me to put my mile a minute thoughts to rest. This momma needs as much rest as possible.

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