I’m sitting here with a headache because I’ve had one hell of a day. “OMG she said HELL?!” Yeah. Because that was my day. Been my life lately. Getting more hellish one day at a time.
I was going to start my day with a renewed attitude because if I can’t get answers right now, I need to do something for the time being to try to be happy and feel good.
Got messed up from the moment I woke up. Why? Because I cannot for the life of me ever get the start I want to get. Both my kids wake up around the same time every day. Lately, I don’t wake up till they do (which is around 7). It doesn’t matter what time I go to bed, I just CANNOT seem to get moving in the morning. There is no energy. I’m hurting from my head down to my toes. It takes every ounce of my being just to get out of bed. Then I move so slow, it’s already close to nap time before I get to anything that I wanted to check off my to do list. Of course, I have to take a nap if I manage to get both kids sleeping. Then nap time is over by 2 or 3 and more than half my day “feels” wasted.
Today I got absolutely nothing done except one thing. Yeah, of course I took care of my kids. Good thing to get done, right? Love my darlings as demanding as they both are :). But here’s the thing- I used to be able to get a lot more done just with pushing myself into the better attitude. And I’m talking just a few weeks ago too. Never completed the to-do list, but at least checked a few things off. Today it didn’t matter. I seriously just felt too little energy and too much discomfort to move with the boost a better attitude often gives me. That boost didn’t come today. It’s all just…gone.
So now I’m feeling helpless and hopeless. I’m just waiting around to find out what the next step is. So that means I still have to feel like this? It doesn’t seem right. I have a family that needs me to be the best that I can be, and lately I’ve been the worst. My entire LIFE is being affected by all of this.
I’m tired of feeling like I’m just being a whiny mother. I’m tired of feeling like I’m being a whiny wife. A whiny patient. A whiny person. Nobody should feel this way. Nobody. This isn’t normal.
So what am I supposed to do? I’ve been getting help. Or trying anyways. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough? Maybe I’m taking myself for granted? The only one’s who truly know what I’m feeling are me and God. And what I’m feeling is that I really need help ASAP. I’m also feeling like no one is taking me seriously. Why? Because no one can see what I’m feeling. On the outside, I look fine, right? Well, I’m not fine. I am NOT fine. I’m sick of covering it up because I just can’t anymore.
I’m sick. That’s all there is to it. But I just don’t know what to do about it anymore.