Fresh starts

My heart feels heavy and burdened because I can’t help but think about how this trip home is going to end all too soon. All too soon it’s back to Texas with no family nearby. It’s back to restless days of fatigue and pain. Appointments left and right. Back to a house to clean, organize, etc.

But none of that is true really. At least it doesn’t have to be. Because I do have family there. They may not be blood or the family I have here, but they have been like a family.

And those restless days don’t have to be so bad. I’ve basically decided now that what is wrong with me is fibromyalgia. It sucks because there really is no specific treatment for it. And I don’t wanna be dependant on pain meds. But thanks to the help and advice I’ve gotten from others who deal with the same or similar, especially my aunt, I’m learning that I got this. I can fight it in my own way with my own strength. Plus I have a support system.

The first step and hardest part is weaning my son. If you didn’t read my last post on this decision, read it. It explains it all. But briefly put, based on what I’ve been told by the doctor and by others’ opinions, weaning him is the best decision I can make for him. And Elli. And Tony. And myself. The fatigue and depression is wearing me down more than any pain, so I need more balanced hormones as well as chemicals. This is going to involve adjusting my meds. And if I do that, I can better take care of myself, and therefore take better care of my family.

It’s been hard though, esp since he seems to be getting even worse at taking a bottle. I really wish I had someone to coach me through this. It’s hard enough letting go, let alone him having a hard time.

The next steps, which I will be attempting during this first step’s process, is just fighting. Fighting my attitude. Fighting my will. Mind over matter. Forcing myself to do what I need to do to make myself start to feel better in natural manners. It’ll be harder until I can get rid of some of this fatigue, but I know it has helped before. So what better motivation?

I also have to learn to cut myself some slack, too. When I can’t do it all, learning to give myself credit for what I did do. Every day, I know I can at least say I took care of my kids, and that’s the most important thing for me to do.

This month, I’m trying to start fresh. Though, unlike other times, I’m not pushing myself too hard and going full force. I’m creating goals, one at a time. I first am starting fresh in my attitude. A trip home always helps begin this refreshing. I’m getting back into working out even just a little bit. Starting things fresh financially, eating healthy, routine, as much as possible when we get home. Routine is a must. Habits need formed to the point where I will feel incomplete each day if those habits fall out of place.

That being said, bear with me, my Texas friends, and even my far away friends, as I get myself back together. You are seeing me at a time of my lowest low. It can only get better from here. It happens to all of us, right?

I often have to remind myself of all that I’ve been through in just the past year. Not too start a pity party, but do give myself the slack I need to learn to give. In the past year, I’ve moved halfway across the country to live with my husband and daughter who I hadn’t lived with as a family in 9 months. We bought a house. I got pregnant. He deployed. Was without him again with a toddler and a rough pregnancy for 5 months. Less than a month after he comes back, we have baby Remy. Remy gets a uti and had to go to the hospital. Actually, all that happened in LESS than a year. A lot has suffered because there hasn’t been much time to adjust to anything. And now is recovery mode.

So yeah. Life has been rough. But that’s ok. Life would be boring if it didn’t have its rough times. And the great times seem that much better because of the hard times. Happiness and joy are not forever gone.

The best part in all this? I always have God by my side. For me, that’s comfort enough right there.

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