I am so ready to feel alive again. I’m not even 30 years old yet, and sometimes I feel like I’m already deteriorating and doing it quickly. I’m exhausted and have an aching back just from being out half the day. It’s like I worked a whole day on my feet.
Then there’s my brain. I feel like my thoughts are piling up and racing around my head a million miles a minute as well as every nerve in my body spiraling electricity at the same speed and time.
I want to cry, laugh, scream, run, and shut down. All at once.
What bugs me the most is I feel so bad for my children. I feel like my parenting is suffering. My relationship with them is suffering. These poor kids probably sense every tension that runs through me. I don’t want them to experience me like this. I just want to be cured. Actually the issue is probably more that I want to be perfect, but know I can’t be. All I really want, though, is just for my children to know that I love them. I cherish them. My life has a constant purpose because of them. But when they have a mother that always feels like she’s losing her mind and is full of so much tension, how can they?
Jeremiah and Elianna, your momma loves you so much. More and more every day. I’m trying hard to be a mom who expresses her deep love. And sometimes I fail to express it. Sometimes I fail period. I’m sorry.