In the Face of Old Wounds

Depression…anxiety…it all seems to be the thorn in my flesh. I don’t seem to get a break. Something new always has to come up to haunt me and make the struggle more difficult.

Something I came across on wonderful ol’ Facebook awakened old wounds. Memories from the last of my time in high school. Those were rough times for me. Some of the roughest memories.

After homeschooling all my life through a Christian private school, I got sent to the public school world my junior year. What a reality check for me. That wasn’t the only thing. My mom also got diagnosed with breast cancer the summer before I started. Thankfully, she is in remission now and has been for maybe 10 years. But that was just a lot to take in.

Those whole last two years of high school were so full of heart break and rejection from schoolmates, boyfriends, and friends. All my life I had been surrounded mostly by people who I at least thought shared my faith. I could talk about my faith and share my struggles with those people. But once I went into the “real world,” I didn’t find that was the case. I still talked about it and did my best to hold to the standards I’d been taught. But behind my back, I was miss goody two shoes and “God girl.” I took pride in that I was still holding to my faith, but that doesn’t change the fact that it still hurt. It stung and pierced my frail heart.

The boyfriends, I held on to the attention and fondness they showed me as I got so little elsewhere. The heartbreak expanded when those relationships would end.

Those times all the way up through graduation are the times that give me the biggest pit in my stomach when I think about them. So anything that reopens those wounds is like getting an old scar cut open with a piece of glass.

So what am I going to do? I’m going to close my eyes, breathe, open my eyes, and carry on. I’ve changed a lot in 10 years. I’ve become stronger and wiser, and this only opens a door to new strength. If I cry, they have been much needed tears. If I laugh, I laugh in the face of the devil. If I scream, I’m free.

I live a good life now. I have my own little family with a husband and children that love me. I’m working on a big dream and know that I truly am working toward my purpose now. I love what I’m doing. I love being a wife and mom and having the chance to make a living at the same time.

Those are the things are I have to remind myself in all times of discouragement, whether it’s hard times in my business, hard times in my relationships, hard times with my depression, or just hard times of remembering a haunting past. We live in the now. The past is in the past. It is behind us. And we wouldn’t be who we are without that past.

On a lighter note, I had some more fun with jewelry the past few days. I made a few more pieces with the hemp cord I still have (pics to come). And yesterday, I played specifically with my Initial Outfitters collection. Took pictures, too, and want to show it off because I was quite proud of my layering techniques haha. So please let me share :)-

Initial Outfitters consultant-

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