This miscarriage has been so different from any that I’ve had before. So many complicated feelings and emotions this time. While a lot has been just a stab from the past, so much of it is new to me.
I had my d&c on Friday to remove the body of my tiny angel. I’d had one before. It was with my last miscarriage before my daughter. Four years ago. Everything went smooth. Staff was great. Had a good friend there when I woke up (hubby was watching the kids, one of which was sick). I got to relax and take it easy for most of the rest of the day.
For a few days, though, I was met with a returning feeling from the past. A lingering pit in my stomach. Almost as if it was the empty spot that Erel left in me. And I felt angry. Hurt. After a couple days, it was beginning to feel like I was being rushed into living my life. Like I was supposed to act like it never happened.
Finally, a few nights ago, I had the good cry I needed. I listened to my music. I’ve been listening to Christian music on Pandora as it has been my comfort. I suddenly started sobbing. Releasing it all. Inside, I could hear myself crying out “I want my baby back,” over and over again. When I finally stopped, I felt a strange sense of peace. I felt relaxed. I slept the night away. And, though my face felt very swollen the next morning, I felt different. Ready to make some changes.
Since then, I’ve been dealing with some complicated feelings. It’s been a week since I found out Erel died, and I already feel like God has been turning it into something good. Yet it bothers me. I feel a sense of guilt along with it.
There are so many positives. I have energy back. I feel a joy, a strange joy, that I haven’t felt in a long time because of dealing with my depression. Passion and desire have returned. Food also isn’t revolting anymore haha.
But the fact is, I wanted that baby. No, I WANT that baby. It’s been so much more different than before because this time I have children, and I know what it’s like that first moment that you meet them. I wanted one last chance at that moment. That beauty of a newborn life that you carried inside you. That God chose you to be a mother to. What a beautiful and honorable thing!
Instead, that chance is gone, most likely to never come again.
But it has opened my eyes. While I feel guilty saying it, I value the beautiful children I have even more. They truly are miracles and such an incredible blessing. I feel guilty because I didn’t appreciate them as much before. Oh I loved them to death for sure. But the realization that they are the age they are for only a short time hit me like a slap in the face after losing Erel.
It’s just been difficult to process. While I have a pain from losing the baby that will never completely go away, God is already turning it into a good thing. But so soon? It’s hard to even explain. To me, losing a baby in any means is NOT a good thing. It is not something that God caused to happen. He knew it would happen, but sin nature is what caused it. Some may not understand what I’m saying, but bear with me ;). The Bible says that God works things out for the good of those who love Him (for the life of me, I can’t remember where that is. So if you know, please share!). I’m just not used to noticing it so soon. Usually it takes time in my experience. I still hadn’t seen much good from my last miscarriages. But then, maybe this is it. This is the good from all of them combined.
As I said, it’s been very complicated for me. Almost like it’s a sin to feel the change I’ve felt.
But I know it’s not. You don’t feel peace in sin. I feel a peace about the changes I’m making, about returning to my life with a new attitude. This is just a grieving process, and I think I’m just finally getting through it in best way I ever have.
The pain is still there. The longing to hold my newborn child. The hurt of having that ripped away. And it will still take some healing. But at least I’m headed in the right direction. After almost 6 years since my first miscarriage, I’m finally learning to grieve with God by my side.
Initial Outfitters consultant- http://www.initialoutfitters.net/MandyLR