Learning to Grieve

This miscarriage has been so different from any that I’ve had before. So many complicated feelings and emotions this time. While a lot has been just a stab from the past, so much of it is new to me.

I had my d&c on Friday to remove the body of my tiny angel. I’d had one before. It was with my last miscarriage before my daughter. Four years ago. Everything went smooth. Staff was great. Had a good friend there when I woke up (hubby was watching the kids, one of which was sick). I got to relax and take it easy for most of the rest of the day.

For a few days, though, I was met with a returning feeling from the past. A lingering pit in my stomach. Almost as if it was the empty spot that Erel left in me. And I felt angry. Hurt. After a couple days, it was beginning to feel like I was being rushed into living my life. Like I was supposed to act like it never happened.

Finally, a few nights ago, I had the good cry I needed. I listened to my music. I’ve been listening to Christian music on Pandora as it has been my comfort. I suddenly started sobbing. Releasing it all. Inside, I could hear myself crying out “I want my baby back,” over and over again. When I finally stopped, I felt a strange sense of peace. I felt relaxed. I slept the night away. And, though my face felt very swollen the next morning, I felt different. Ready to make some changes.

Since then, I’ve been dealing with some complicated feelings. It’s been a week since I found out Erel died, and I already feel like God has been turning it into something good. Yet it bothers me. I feel a sense of guilt along with it.

There are so many positives. I have energy back. I feel a joy, a strange joy, that I haven’t felt in a long time because of dealing with my depression. Passion and desire have returned. Food also isn’t revolting anymore haha.

But the fact is, I wanted that baby. No, I WANT that baby. It’s been so much more different than before because this time I have children, and I know what it’s like that first moment that you meet them. I wanted one last chance at that moment. That beauty of a newborn life that you carried inside you. That God chose you to be a mother to. What a beautiful and honorable thing!

Instead, that chance is gone, most likely to never come again.

But it has opened my eyes. While I feel guilty saying it, I value the beautiful children I have even more. They truly are miracles and such an incredible blessing. I feel guilty because I didn’t appreciate them as much before. Oh I loved them to death for sure. But the realization that they are the age they are for only a short time hit me like a slap in the face after losing Erel.

It’s just been difficult to process. While I have a pain from losing the baby that will never completely go away, God is already turning it into a good thing. But so soon? It’s hard to even explain. To me, losing a baby in any means is NOT a good thing. It is not something that God caused to happen. He knew it would happen, but sin nature is what caused it. Some may not understand what I’m saying, but bear with me ;). The Bible says that God works things out for the good of those who love Him (for the life of me, I can’t remember where that is. So if you know, please share!). I’m just not used to noticing it so soon. Usually it takes time in my experience. I still hadn’t seen much good from my last miscarriages. But then, maybe this is it. This is the good from all of them combined.

As I said, it’s been very complicated for me. Almost like it’s a sin to feel the change I’ve felt.

But I know it’s not. You don’t feel peace in sin. I feel a peace about the changes I’m making, about returning to my life with a new attitude. This is just a grieving process, and I think I’m just finally getting through it in best way I ever have.

The pain is still there. The longing to hold my newborn child. The hurt of having that ripped away. And it will still take some healing. But at least I’m headed in the right direction. After almost 6 years since my first miscarriage, I’m finally learning to grieve with God by my side.

Initial Outfitters consultant- http://www.initialoutfitters.net/MandyLR

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A Little Piece of my Heart

It has been over 3 months since I posted in my blog. 3 long months. I have had heart ache after heart ache.

Depression hit me really hard. I lost all interest in everything I usually enjoyed. Every day it was a struggle just to open my eyes and get out of bed.

I disconnected myself more than I’ve done in a long time. I shut everyone out. I even shut my own husband out some. I didn’t want to burden anyone. I didn’t want to be judged.

During that time, in early April, I found out I was pregnant. HUGE shocker, especially since my husband had just gotten a vasectomy (conception happened right before). We were done. No more miserable pregnancies, no more fears of miscarriage. We got our rainbow babies, one girl and one boy. But I still felt so much excitement at the thought of just one more chance to hold my newborn baby in my arms. Inopportune and unplanned, but still perfect. Darn scary haha but beautiful.

Things weren’t going as anticipated, though, from my first appt. I was doing my blood thinning shot and taking my aspirin, but my first ultrasound did not show me to be where I thought I should be. No biggie, the doc said. Went back a week later. Still couldn’t see anything besides the gestational sac, but still didn’t necessarily mean anything. Went back another week later. This time we saw the fetal pole and a very faint heart beat. The baby measured at 6 weeks and 4 days. Finally, something there.

But I still didn’t feel peace. According to my last period, I should’ve been around 8 weeks. It easily could have meant I just ovulated late, etc. But I couldn’t feel peace. I just couldn’t. Too much of my past experience of four miscarriages was flooding my thoughts. Even though I now had two healthy children, fear struck me.

My morning sickness started to peak a bit. Ok, this is good, I thought. Hope slowly began to rise. Then it dwindled again as I noticed the sickness dwindling itself.

The next appointment was this past Monday. I was more nervous than the last one for some reason. It didn’t help when after a week and a half, the baby had only shown two days growth. 6 weeks and 6 days. And the doctor couldn’t make out a heart beat this time. So the next morning I went in to the hospital for a higher quality ultrasound. Waited on pins and needles all day to find out the results showed no cardiac activity.

Then came yesterday. I saw my doctor again. He confirmed the results. He also informed me that the baby had already shown to have gotten smaller. 6 weeks and 1 day it now measured. It hit me. Hard. That was it.

Today they will be scheduling a D&C to remove my baby. We’ve named the baby Erel, which means “I will see God.” My fifth angel.

It hurts. Deep. And in the midst of all the depression I’ve been suffering through already, it seems so cruel and unfair.

The hardest part of all? This was the last. And my last couldn’t be a little newborn baby in my arms. My last went to God’s arms. While Erel couldn’t be any place better, momma still had a piece of her heart go with baby. Along with the pieces that went with Gabriel, Noel, Azriel, and Aviela.

I didn’t think I’d ever have to go through this again after four years. But for some reason, I did. Only God knows why.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my two children dearly. They bring me so much joy. And while going through this after already having healthy children makes it a little harder than before, having them also helps ease the pain. Comforts it. They are true true blessings. And I treasure them.

As for those who read this, don’t be afraid to talk to me. While I want to shut the world out even more, I know better than to do that now. I need people. I need my friends. I need to come back, now more than ever.

If you’re not sure what to say, don’t worry about it. I will give you some tips, too.

1- Don’t try to make a positive out of the situation. Things like “it meant something was wrong with the baby,” or “at least this” or “at least that.” Nothing said will make it any easier or less traumatic. I do still have my sense of humor and might joke, but sometimes that’s my way of hiding how I really feel. However, I really need that sense of humor so don’t be afraid to try to make me laugh lol. Laughter is the best medicine.

2- I know you’re sorry. And it’s perfectly fine to say you are. Just know that I don’t always know how to respond to that. So don’t take it personally at all if I don’t really make a response. Most of the time what I end up saying is “such is life sometimes,” but it honestly hurts to say even that. I’m not feeling that positive about the situation because frankly, it REALLY REALLY sucks.

3- you can ask me questions. Don’t be afraid to. I will tell you if I can’t really talk about it right now. But for the most part, it actually helps me to talk about it. I can’t bury it. I bury too much already. I also want people who go through this to know that they’re not alone. It really is a lonely time.

4- to all my pregnant friends or those with newborns: yes, it’s hard to see any pregnant bellies or see that precious little newborn. BUT do not feel bad. I am still happy for you. Keep posting your pictures, your baby statuses. I will still celebrate with you, so please still talk about it all with me. I might have to avoid Facebook some, but I don’t want any of you to worry about how I might feel.

Overall, I know how hard it is to know what to say, especially when you don’t know what it’s like. Just don’t be afraid of me lol. I’m an honest and sincere person and will not resent you.

So here I am, opening myself up to the world. Because I need to. I need to reach out. I need to remember that God is by my side no matter what.

Goodbye, my sweet Erel. You are in good hands.

Initial Outfitters consultant- http://www.initialoutfitters.net/MandyLR